You can't always be a well-oiled machine.

As captain of the Evil Empire, my goal is to make us as smooth and professional as possible. We're at the point where everyone on the team has played dozens of games and won championships in several leagues. In fact, with all the tournaments my teammates have played in, I expect that I haven't even won the most trophies with my five championships. Our players have played in countless tournaments and leagues under different sets of rules, with different equipment in different gyms. They've always adapted and succeeded.

We're at the point where stepping on a dodgeball court should be just another day at the office. Sometimes this comes off as cool confidence, other times we come across as arrogant dicks. But we go into most games thinking we should win.

Unfortunately, when we have an off game, it really affects us.

Our confidence becomes surprisingly brittle and our game starts to delcine at a rapid pace. We try to go for the big plays and ignore our fundamentals. We become sticklers over the rules. We sulk and yell and get completely out of hand.

Tension is our enemy.

Unfortunately, last night against the Hell Spawns was a classic example of us getting so wound up we couldn't play. It was odd, considering that we had already been guaranteed a playoff spot, as either the second or third seed. But we played like we were terrified of the loss. A good team will play hard but loose, no matter how much is at stake.

As a result, we got whupped 19-12 by a team that, on paper, is inferior to us. Our reward? We get to play them again next week, this time in the semi-finals. When there is actually something at stake. That gives us seven days to get our heads straight.

Wish us luck.

That has to be some kind of record...

Before last night's game, most of the Evil Empire was waiting to get in to the gym at St. Clare Catholic School when a girl from a team we'd played before recognized Jimmers. She walked up to him and said "You're a douchebag".

Classy.

Sometimes you have to be lucky to be good.

Last night was the last regular season game of the Moth Balls, and we were struggling against the Ball Maulers, a team sponsored by the travel agency the Flight Centre. In one of the late rounds we'd whittled down the Ball Maulers to just two players, but I was the only person left on the Moth Balls side of the court.

There was a ball on my side of the court, and a ball in my hands, while both of my opponents had balls in hand and were at the centre line. I opted for a rushing dodge. For the uninitiated, a rush dodge is perfect for a two-on-one situation where all the players have ball in hand. The single player waits for their opponents to wind-up their throws, and then rushes at their opponents. The key is that they don't rush directly at the opponents, but run in a large curve, getting out of the way of the incoming throws, but ending up right beside one of the throwers. It's advantageous because it usually gets out one of your opponents, and you can usually recover one of the thrown balls.

Unfortunately for me, only one of my opponents threw the ball. Even worse, the guy I was charging had held on to his sphere.

I then made a stupid decision: I decided to throw my ball at him, even though I wasn't yet at the centre line. His teammate, still at the centre line was gawking and definitely a better target for my early throw, but I foolishly opted to throw at the guy with the ball. This was the first poor idea in a series of bad ideas.

I also made the mystifying decision of sliding on the ground to avoid his throw. Of course, he still hadn't thrown his ball. Also, the floor at the gym was very slippery, so I slid all the way up to the centre line. I had also missed my target completely, and put it in to the crowd behind him.

To review: I had chosen a solid plan, but launched it too early. I then abandoned my plan midway. I chose to throw at the wrong person and far too early. I missed that throw and put it in a position where it would never roll or bounce back to my side of the court. I had also slid, on my side, directly beneath my opponent, who still had his ball. Disastrous.

Fortunately, he made a mistake of his own. He still held on to the ball. Although it was just for a second, he waited long enough for me to get to my knees. Or, as fans of the Astonishing Dodgeblog call it, Dodging Position #2. He wound up and threw at me, aiming very high on my chest.

And I caught the ball.

That's right, I caught a ball point-blank, high on my chest. A miracle, since I suck at catching. I then leaped to my feet, and turned to the guy's stunned teammate who was still standing at the centre line. He turned and started to run parallel along the centre line. I gave chase and as he looked over his shoulder, I threw a fake at him. He jumped, and then I blasted him with the ball square in the back.

Both teams exploded in applause and the Moth Balls came out on to the court to give me high fives and congratulate me on my play. The guy whose ball I caught was very gracious and came over to our side of the court to shake my hand. It was definitely the best catch I've ever made.

We lost to the Ball Maulers 19-4, but I will always remember that circus catch.

Evil Empire: A Dodge-umentary

A few seasons ago my friend and film auteur Jared Bryer came to every Evil Empire dodgeball game and put together an impressive documentary. It's taken a while, but he's recently got it up online for all to see.


The Evil Empire: A Dodge-Umentary from Jared Bryer on Vimeo.

Made of FAIL.

Weeks ago the Moth Balls played a team called DUCK!. As you may recall, we beat them quite handedly and we were all encouraged with the progress we'd made as a team.

In that game I played fairly well. My throws were really humming, although my shoulder was beginning to ache. One of the girls on their team called out "I'm scared of your throws!" It was all quite gratifying.

This week would be very different: I sucked.

Epicly.

I was way too aggressive and something of a ball hog. A poor strategy given that we were playing at the surprisingly deep St. Luke's Gym and my arm has become a noodle thanks to playing two hours of dodgeball a week. At the same time, I was trying way too hard to get catches.

Although I had two very strong, dominant rounds I still reeked of effort. A strong athletic performance in any sport should seem comfortable, like second nature. Getting winded, wincing in pain, or just generally being awkward in any sport is a recipe for disaster. I was guilty of just working too hard and overplaying.

My poor play was compounded by the fact that no one on our team played well. We all had tough nights. We man-handled DUCK! six weeks ago, and they returned the favour and beat us 11-8.

Even Jellybean couldn't muster up much in the way of moral support. She had to admit that it had been the worst game she'd seen me play. Ever.

Oh well. Gotta put it behind me. Today's throw has no effect on tomorrow's.

Dodge 101: Stance

I have been remiss in my duties as a dodgeball savant. I haven't posted nearly enough on the tactics or strategies of the sport of kings: dodgeball.

Let's start with the basics.

Stance:
It's a scientific fact that the slower you move, or the more still you stay, the better your eyesight is. Therefore, you want to stay as still as possible when you think the ball is going to be thrown at you. The more "settled" your eyes get, the better you'll be able to see and react.

It also means you don't want to be spinning or moving around a lot, since it will make your vision, and therefore you reaction time, worse.

So there are two basic stances you want to maintain.

Your first dodging position is an obvious one: standing up, with your feet about shoulder width apart.

I also think it's best to have you knees slightly bent so that it'll be easier to get moving. Of course, I also tower between 6'3 and 6'4, so bending my knees makes me a slightly smaller target. You'll also want your arms to your sides, and ready to move as necessary. Basically, you'll want to look like the picture of me on the left.

From the standing position, you can do just about anything. You'll be able to jump, run, roll, duck and even drop to your knees, which sets up your next position.

Your other dodging stance should be from your knees. Again, you'll want your base to be about shoulder width apart. Obviously, you'll want your knees bent, and I recommend having your weight back on your body, over your ankles. This will make it easier to rock back on to your feet and quickly stand up. Again, your hands should be bent at the elbows, and ready to move for a catch. From your kneeling position you can make catches, duck under throws, block balls and should also be able to make a quick, short range throw.

Both of these stances should be your resting positions, with your kneeling stance as a fall back from your standing position. The goal of both is to give you a solid base with lots of options for quick movements.

Although both can be used anywhere on the court, the ideal spot for both is from what we call in the competitive leagues, the back line. The back line being about one pace in front of the wall at the back of your court. I'm sure you'll find that as soon as a round begins most experienced players will take a step, maybe two forward from the wall, and then settle into one of these positions.

There are also a few no-nos that all good dodgers know to avoid:

1) Never, ever, dodge in front of a teammate. Although you might get around the ball, the person behind you stands no chance, whatsoever.

2) Never turn your back on the other team. It's much better to back up slowly and keep your eye on the ball then it is to sprint with your back to the other team.

3) Variety is the spice of life. If you dodge to your right every time, I'm going to start throwing to your right every time.

4) Make your dodges explosive. Many times I've seen people make the right decision on a dodge - - their timing was right, the direction they chose was right - - but they didn't make it explosive, so they didn't get out of the way quickly enough. Make sure that when you dodge, it's a dodge big enough to get you out of the way of the ball.

There's a lot more to dodging, but this is certainly a good foundation to work from.

Tuesday night's alright for fighting...

The Moth Balls, my rec league team, have now cycled through to the beginning of their schedule and replayed the Incredi-balls, a team we played in our very first week. The first time round was not a pleasant experience.

They were, for lack of a better term, a bag of dicks.

They were unfamiliar with rules (in particular, they were convinced a ball was still live after hitting the ground) and ignored when the ball had hit them directly. They'd also complained about me throwing the ball too hard.


Jellybean, Lefty and I were not looking forward to playing them again and even discussed printing off the rules to help us in any arguments that may arise.


I knew we were in trouble when early in the game one of their guys made a point of crossing the floor to shake the hand of our teammate Rob. I know this may sound weird, but I never trust a guy who shakes hands too much. You shake hands when you meet someone, when you congratulate them, and that's it. Anything else is insincere.

Although the Incredi-balls had certainly learned some of the rules, they still were pretty bad. They thought the ball was dead if blocked by another ball. They purposely took headers into thrown balls to try and get our players out. One of their guys regularly tried to act injured. When the ball hit them, even squarely, they'd act like they didn't get hit. Some players would have to be hit three or four times for it to "take".

In particular, they were angry with how hard I was throwing. Now, as I've said earlier, I only throw sidearm in this league and make sure I throw very low. So although I might throw harder then most players, at least it's always below the waist. In fact, the only person I hit in the head was a guy who purposely dipped his head into the ball.

So in the last round of the game, I hit a girl with the ball. Absolutely clear. A solid hit in the small of her back. She refused to get off the floor, because I was being "unsportsmanlike".

Then things got out of hand.

I was content to keep playing (I could've hit her three of four more times, for all I cared) but that was the last straw for my team and, apparently, for the Incredi-balls. Both benches cleared so that people could stand chest to chest and argue. One of the Incredi-balls called my team captain a "fat bitch". Both teams got zero spirit points.

What makes this so upsetting is that they were pretty proud of how they behaved. They won the game, so they think they have some kind of moral high ground. They don't realize that they'd get smoked in a competitive league, even an intermediate league, and that the only reason why they beat us was their blatant cheating. It was a frustrating game, but we likely won't have to play these guys again.

SLAUGHTERHOUSE 5

My last game, with the Moth Balls just two nights ago, left a really bitter taste in my mouth. After all, I had been called a poor sport because I throw too hard. Like licking batteries. However, I was hoping to cleanse my palette with an easy victory over SLAUGHTERHOUSE. A team that I would classify as Not Very Good, as indicated by our 16-13 victory over them earlier in the season.

No such luck.

Our game was late at night in one of the gyms at Havergal. Havergal is a beautiful girls private school, across the street from the rough and tumble senior school that Smirnoff, My Pet Monster, Hot Sauce, The Deal and I all attended: Glenview. In addition to a solid academic reputation and short skirts, Havergal has excellent athletic facilities.

Unless you want to throw a lightweight foam ball across the width of one of their gyms. Then its way too big and it'll kill your arm.

This was the big issue for us against Slaughterhouse. The Evil Empire, although it's very experienced and has lots of clever strategies and tactics, does not have a very good set of arms. We can throw with power, but not accuracy, at big gyms like Havergal. Or we can throw with skill, but not strength. With this weakness in mind, I made the Reg Dunlop Award all about getting catches and not getting caught out.

Unfortunately, Slaughterhouse quickly had us rattled, largely by complaining about the rules and claiming we were out most of the time. It was, in many ways, a replay of our previous game where one of their players (sarcastically nicknamed by us "Asian Sensation") got under our skin. Jimmers, in particular, was pissed off by this guys flapping gums.

This was all reflected in the play of our team. We rarely threw together in barrages, which ruined a key strategy in a big gym. We threw from the back line, allowing Slaughterhouse to get easy catches, and generally played poorly.

The one "play" that was good was actually a slick veterans play by your esteemed captain: me. About two-thirds of the way through the game, we were tied 5-5. I heard one of their teammates say to his team "Come on, one more win and we'll be tied up!" Obviously, they thought they were losing by one. We won that round, and I immediately went over to Slaughterhouse's bench and asked them the score. 7-5 is what they had. I went over, added an extra win to our scorecard, and kept playing.

The final score was a 9-7 victory for us, but if you count the round I stole from them, it would actually be much closer. Definitely not our best game.