Time for some sexy Empire on Empire action...

As mentioned in my previous post, the Evil Empire's opponents had defaulted, so we opted to have a scrimmage amongst ourselves. Of course... getting enough players for two full sides was pretty difficult too. Smirnoff, Hot Sauce, My Pet Monster, 8Mile, Joh and Kate all couldn't come due to work, school, Australia and, pft, Christmas celebrations. So we went out and recruited some players. Jellybean returned for one game only, and our friends Mr. Kennedy and Bush League stepped into the fray. We also persuaded dodge-umentarian Jared Bryer to step out from behind the camera and take part.

Even then, we only had enough players for five-a-side, but it was still a hell of a lot of fun. We all got a chance to make some spectacular plays and, not surprisingly, everyone stayed loose and calm. Apparently, that's what it takes for us to have a good time during a game - - no opponents!

In the grand scheme of the ongoing development of the Evil Empire, it was a very interesting exercise because I learned a lot about my own playing style and my team.

(These are in no particular order)

Me - I leave my right arm totally open when I'm blocking a ball. Jimmers picked me off two or three times, and I think The Deal got me a few times as well. But I also learned that even people who've seen me play countless times have a tough time reading my throws.

Jimmers - Bastard is a wily dodger! And very fast too. He got across the floor for sweeping and striking so quickly that it gave us little chance to recover from our plays. As I mentioned above, he was also very accurate and observant enough to find a hole in my defense.

The Deal - For my money, the best player of the night. The Deal was virtually impossible to hit because his blocking is so strong, and if he didn't have the ball, there was a good chance he'd be able to catch anything thrown at him. His throwing was accurate and hard.

Jellybean - Her throws were incredibly well timed and accurate. Jellybean could also teach me a thing or two about positioning and conservative play. She was always in the right place to make the smart play and kept our opponents honest. Most impressively, when she was the last played on the court, she consistently delivered big catches.

Tool Time - Always a competitor, Tool Time threw as hard as he could, and benefited by the small gym, had incredible accuracy. He's also come a long way in terms of his dodging ability. No word of a lie, I saw him jump clear over two balls when barraged. This time last year, he just would've taken the hit.

Pocahontas - Damn, girl can throw. Even with an aching shoulder, Pocahontas was able to lay down some throws so strong they'd scalp you. Whenever I play a team, I quickly organize in my head who the biggest threat is, only to be superseded by who is an incredibly easy out. (Usually someone who is not paying close enough attention to the play.) Every round, she became my priority. She was so aggressive and, as far as I could tell, going through the same thought process that I was running through, I had to try and take her out as quickly as possible, or she'd get me.

Banana - I was really surprised by Banana's throws. They're deceptive. They have so much movement on them that they make you want to reach out and grab them, but they end up just barely grazing your hands. It was frustrating as hell from my perspective, but that's the point, isn't it?

At the end of the night we all voted on who the game MVP was, and just about everyone got a vote, but in the end, Mr. Kennedy ended up with two votes and the much desired Reg Dunlop Award!

It was a fantastic way to end the season.

The two sweetest words in the English language: DEFAULT!

On Tuesday night Moth Balls' captain and archives aficionado Marina emailed the team to let us know that there was a very good chance that our opponents for the evening (Not In The Face!) might have to forfeit the game. After some deliberation, the other team told Marina that yes, they would be able to show up, but might not have enough players for a proper game. Instead, the Moth Balls and Not In The Face! would have a mixed game with people just playing for fun. Jellybean and I both had some work to do at home, and the weather was crappy, so we decided not to go.

Now tonight's Evil Empire game is also ending in a default! Our opponents, SLAUGTERHOUSE, had to forfeit because they all work together and tonight is their work Christmas party. So we're going to have a scrimmage amongst our team and with some of our friends playing too.

So, alas, no game reports for you, my loyal fans.

However, I do want to note that the end of our dodgeball seasons does not mean an end to the content on this blog. Instead I'll be focusing on instructional posts or, maybe, just maybe, some allegedly funny posts.

Your hero,
Chudley #77

“Injuries put us on our guard” - Latin proverb

(Consider yourself on notice: I am not a medical professional. I am not a doctor, nurse or physiotherapist. Follow my advice at your own risk!)

After nearly three and a half months of playing dodgeball twice a week, I can generally sum up the experience in one word: painful.

As I write this, my right shoulder (my throwing shoulder) is aching in anticipation of tonight's game. My left knee has what's left of a sizable scab, undoubtedly adding to my impressively scarred leg-elbows. My back has more knots in it then a sailor's rope. The tendinitis in my elbow has become so strong that most of the velocity of my throws has been lost. My ankle, long ago diagnosed as having loose ligaments, aches on occasion.Wednesday and Friday mornings often have to start with some whey powder mixed in with my oatmeal. I can feel in my knees when rain and snow storms are entering the Greater Toronto Area.

In short, I am in rough shape.

Granted, I was stupid and played other sports over the course of the season. I subbed in on Lefty's floor hockey team and started playing in a Sunday night soccer league at BMO Field. Although these sports don't use my arm as much, they still worked my back and knees out of joint.

These injuries aren't just limited to me. I know my Evil Empire teammate Pocahontas is having serious shoulder problems. Last week her arm hurt so bad she needed help putting on her jacket after the game. Rob on the Moth Balls has often had arm trouble.

Fortunately, I am merely hurt, not injured. And yes, there is a distinction. An injury is something that requires the attention of a doctor. It usually involves profuse bleeding or something breaking. An example of an injury is described by Neil (better known as My Pet Monster) and I in the Evil Empire Dodge-umentary. Neil had dropped to his knees to dodge a ball, but also ducked his head, splitting his forehead on the gym floor. That is an injury. Being hurt is merely the aches and pains that add up over the course of a season. Bruises, tight muscles. Stuff like that.

So what is a dodgeball player to do?

Well, it's been my experience that these are some good ideas:

- Water, drink lots of it. Before games. During games. After games. The day after games. Almost all muscle pain and stiffness comes down to dehydration or built up lactic acid. Both require the intake of massive amounts of fluid. I remember one tournament I was in that lasted for an entire day and I barely had time to drink any water. I was incredibly sore for days. Eventually, my body flushed out disgusting amounts of lactic acid.

- Warm up properly. I have seen so many teams get on to their court and start to "warm up" by whipping the ball as hard as they can at each other. In my opinion, that is a poor idea because your muscles won't actually be warm and you'll be putting all kinds of stress on them. This is particularly a problem in Canada in the winter time when you will literally be cold. Instead, wear a sweatshirt on to the court while you're warming up and throw the ball slowly and lightly. Focus on the mechanics of your throw. Then lightly stretch. Your arm will thank me.

- Dope up. The advice you've all been waiting for: recreational drug use! If you've got tendinitis in your elbow (tennis elbow) then I would highly recommend taking a single ibuprofen approximately fifteen minutes before a game. It works like this: as tendinitis is an inflammation of the tendon (the rubber band in your elbow) an anti-inflammatory like ibuprofen will pre-emptively shrink your tendon. When your elbow does inflame (and trust me, it will) it will inflame to approximately your normal size. It will still hurt, just not as much.

- Treat yourself to a massage. There are many legal and non-sexual ways to receive a massage. A convenient, though expensive option is to go to the Great American Backrub. There are several locations in Toronto's downtown core, as well as across North America. A less expensive, but slightly less convenient option is to visit a massage therapy school. For a significantly reduced rate, you can be used as a practice run for an aspiring masseuse. In the GTA, I'd recommend the Sutherland-Chan school.

- Use your head. As I have been told many times, it is just dodgeball. But that doesn't mean the strain on your arm is any easier. Don't throw the ball as hard as you can every time. Learn to use a variety of pitches, with off speed stuff. Don't throw directly at a target, but to its sides and hope that they reach out for a grab. Go for high percentage shots. Simply wailing the ball as fast as you can, as hard as you can, is going to hurt.

- Just because the game is over, doesn't mean your work is done. As I said above, make sure you drink lots of water after your game. If you've been sore after games a few weeks running, maybe it's a good idea to turn down the chicken wings and beer after the game, and instead go for grilled chicken on a garden salad washed down with juice. If anyone chirps you, point out that you're giving 110% for the team, unlike their half-assed play.

One excellent resource can be found here, at the WebBall website.

The last and most important piece of advice I have is know your limits. I am a ridiculously competitive person and am very suspicious of doctor's advice. However, even I know that sometimes you have to butch up and walk yourself to a doctor. If an injury nags for days or feels like more then just being sore, stiff, or tender, see a doctor. Preferably one who specializes in sports medicine, but a general practitioner is a good idea too.

Man Google is fun

So I was just googling the phrase "Toronto Dodgeball" and I came to a video I'd posted nearly two years ago about our semi-finals match-up with our hated rivals the G-String Cowboys. The game ended in a 7-7 draw because the school's janitor wanted to go home and insisted we leave. Because we had the superior regular season record, we ended up advancing to the finals and playing another hated rival - Shouldice. We ended up beating Shouldice by one point in a sudden death overtime match-up.

I made this video to get the Evil Empire pumped up and officially inform them that the Toronto Central Sports and Social Club had ruled in our favour.

Enjoy!



Admittedly, it is not as strong as Evil Empire: A Dodge-umentary, but it's pretty hard to argue against Val Halen's Right Here, Right Now.... even if it is Sammy Hagar doing the vocals.

Well that was fast...

The Thursday night competitive league finished it's regular season last week with the Evil Empire's 19-12 loss to the Hell Spawns. That loss put us at a final record of 5-4-1 and a third place finish.

The one tie was against our friend Helen's team Dodgebull 2. Really, we won that 15-14 game but Dodgebull disputed the score, saying that it was a 14-14 tie. After a long hold out, I relented, since we'd already locked up our third place seeding, and the win or tie was irrelevant.

I know third place isn't great, but it's right where we wanted to be. It guaranteed that we'd make the playoffs, and we'd get to avoid our opposite numbers, the top seeded Shouldice in the first round, as they'd be playing Dodgebull who came in fourth.

However, as covered in my previous Evil Empire post, we really struggled with our psychology against the Hell Spawns. We played anxious and tight and made a lot of basic mistakes and lost 19-12.

Further, we were playing at Havergal Collegiate, a very deep gym which would expose our weak arms. This would be exasperated by the fact that My Pet Monster, our strongest arm, is in Australia.

To get over these obstacles, I made a few decisions. First of all, I underscored the importance of catching by making the Reg Dunlop Award be all about who can get the most catches while getting caught out the fewest times. I also emphasized these two important offensive strategies:

"1) Throwing as close to the centre line legitly makes a big difference. It literally subtracts metres from the distance you have to throw.

2) Throwing in tandem with at least one person in a barrage will protect both of you from being caught out, and greatly increases the chances of getting the target out."

I mentioned these points in a pre-game email, and then again in a team huddle at the start of the game. Smirnoff had played the Hellspawns in a tournament and underlined the fact that they were good catchers, so making sharp decisions while throwing was important. Before the game, 8Mile had overheard the Hellspawns talking in the change room about how the key to beating us was to get us worked up and upset and the train would come off the tracks.

So we had it all worked out for us. We would throw together, from the centre line, and then look for catches. All while being sedate.

Sedate was the operative word.

We came out with a total lack of hustle. Although we looked for catches, we did not throw from the centre line, and too often we did not throw together. We were listless. In a gigantic gym like the ones at Havergal, sweeping should be easy. However, we were so slow to act that the Hellspawns were committing to full four-ball barrages against us and still getting back most of the balls.

At one point we were losing 8-1.

Only a mid-game speech by Smirnoff turned anything around. He got people moving and we started throwing barrages. After the speech we won four rounds compared to their two, and made the game a slightly more respectable 10-5, but it was still a loss.

That's more like it!

Alas, the Moth Balls did not make the championship brackets.

Instead, we are playing in the consolation brackets. Our first round match-up is against a familiar foe: DUCK!.

DUCK! are very similar to the Moth Balls - - both teams put an emphasis on having fun and learning how to play the game, which makes the game more pleasurable for our team. The first time we locked horns with them, we beat them 10-7. The second time, we lost 11-8.

Unfortunately, due to illness, a busted subway system, and a vacation to Mexico, we were very short on players. The first round only had me, Jellybean, Lefty, Mary and Andrew. We played really well, and won the first round.

The subway blockage got cleared up and our teammates began to trickle in, but unfortunately we were never able to get a lead on our opponents. We just traded rounds with them all night. One highlight, or low-light, depending on your viewpoint, was when I smoked one of their girls in the face. It was totally by accident; the ball slipped out of my hand as I wound up for a sidearm throw. She was totally caught by surprise as the ball sailed right in to her face.

Over the course of the season, DUCK! had developed an annoying habit: not going to the bench when hit by a ball. It sounds simple, but it was surprising to see how often they'd get hit squarely by a ball and not react to it. In particular, one of their guys was oblivious to when he was out. It would take three or four direct hits to get him to acknowledge that yes, he was, in fact, out.

I know this sounds like sour grapes, but I swear that if DUCK! had been more honest, we would have tied or even won the game. As it is, we lost 10-7.