“Injuries put us on our guard” - Latin proverb

(Consider yourself on notice: I am not a medical professional. I am not a doctor, nurse or physiotherapist. Follow my advice at your own risk!)

After nearly three and a half months of playing dodgeball twice a week, I can generally sum up the experience in one word: painful.

As I write this, my right shoulder (my throwing shoulder) is aching in anticipation of tonight's game. My left knee has what's left of a sizable scab, undoubtedly adding to my impressively scarred leg-elbows. My back has more knots in it then a sailor's rope. The tendinitis in my elbow has become so strong that most of the velocity of my throws has been lost. My ankle, long ago diagnosed as having loose ligaments, aches on occasion.Wednesday and Friday mornings often have to start with some whey powder mixed in with my oatmeal. I can feel in my knees when rain and snow storms are entering the Greater Toronto Area.

In short, I am in rough shape.

Granted, I was stupid and played other sports over the course of the season. I subbed in on Lefty's floor hockey team and started playing in a Sunday night soccer league at BMO Field. Although these sports don't use my arm as much, they still worked my back and knees out of joint.

These injuries aren't just limited to me. I know my Evil Empire teammate Pocahontas is having serious shoulder problems. Last week her arm hurt so bad she needed help putting on her jacket after the game. Rob on the Moth Balls has often had arm trouble.

Fortunately, I am merely hurt, not injured. And yes, there is a distinction. An injury is something that requires the attention of a doctor. It usually involves profuse bleeding or something breaking. An example of an injury is described by Neil (better known as My Pet Monster) and I in the Evil Empire Dodge-umentary. Neil had dropped to his knees to dodge a ball, but also ducked his head, splitting his forehead on the gym floor. That is an injury. Being hurt is merely the aches and pains that add up over the course of a season. Bruises, tight muscles. Stuff like that.

So what is a dodgeball player to do?

Well, it's been my experience that these are some good ideas:

- Water, drink lots of it. Before games. During games. After games. The day after games. Almost all muscle pain and stiffness comes down to dehydration or built up lactic acid. Both require the intake of massive amounts of fluid. I remember one tournament I was in that lasted for an entire day and I barely had time to drink any water. I was incredibly sore for days. Eventually, my body flushed out disgusting amounts of lactic acid.

- Warm up properly. I have seen so many teams get on to their court and start to "warm up" by whipping the ball as hard as they can at each other. In my opinion, that is a poor idea because your muscles won't actually be warm and you'll be putting all kinds of stress on them. This is particularly a problem in Canada in the winter time when you will literally be cold. Instead, wear a sweatshirt on to the court while you're warming up and throw the ball slowly and lightly. Focus on the mechanics of your throw. Then lightly stretch. Your arm will thank me.

- Dope up. The advice you've all been waiting for: recreational drug use! If you've got tendinitis in your elbow (tennis elbow) then I would highly recommend taking a single ibuprofen approximately fifteen minutes before a game. It works like this: as tendinitis is an inflammation of the tendon (the rubber band in your elbow) an anti-inflammatory like ibuprofen will pre-emptively shrink your tendon. When your elbow does inflame (and trust me, it will) it will inflame to approximately your normal size. It will still hurt, just not as much.

- Treat yourself to a massage. There are many legal and non-sexual ways to receive a massage. A convenient, though expensive option is to go to the Great American Backrub. There are several locations in Toronto's downtown core, as well as across North America. A less expensive, but slightly less convenient option is to visit a massage therapy school. For a significantly reduced rate, you can be used as a practice run for an aspiring masseuse. In the GTA, I'd recommend the Sutherland-Chan school.

- Use your head. As I have been told many times, it is just dodgeball. But that doesn't mean the strain on your arm is any easier. Don't throw the ball as hard as you can every time. Learn to use a variety of pitches, with off speed stuff. Don't throw directly at a target, but to its sides and hope that they reach out for a grab. Go for high percentage shots. Simply wailing the ball as fast as you can, as hard as you can, is going to hurt.

- Just because the game is over, doesn't mean your work is done. As I said above, make sure you drink lots of water after your game. If you've been sore after games a few weeks running, maybe it's a good idea to turn down the chicken wings and beer after the game, and instead go for grilled chicken on a garden salad washed down with juice. If anyone chirps you, point out that you're giving 110% for the team, unlike their half-assed play.

One excellent resource can be found here, at the WebBall website.

The last and most important piece of advice I have is know your limits. I am a ridiculously competitive person and am very suspicious of doctor's advice. However, even I know that sometimes you have to butch up and walk yourself to a doctor. If an injury nags for days or feels like more then just being sore, stiff, or tender, see a doctor. Preferably one who specializes in sports medicine, but a general practitioner is a good idea too.