Well that was fast...

The Thursday night competitive league finished it's regular season last week with the Evil Empire's 19-12 loss to the Hell Spawns. That loss put us at a final record of 5-4-1 and a third place finish.

The one tie was against our friend Helen's team Dodgebull 2. Really, we won that 15-14 game but Dodgebull disputed the score, saying that it was a 14-14 tie. After a long hold out, I relented, since we'd already locked up our third place seeding, and the win or tie was irrelevant.

I know third place isn't great, but it's right where we wanted to be. It guaranteed that we'd make the playoffs, and we'd get to avoid our opposite numbers, the top seeded Shouldice in the first round, as they'd be playing Dodgebull who came in fourth.

However, as covered in my previous Evil Empire post, we really struggled with our psychology against the Hell Spawns. We played anxious and tight and made a lot of basic mistakes and lost 19-12.

Further, we were playing at Havergal Collegiate, a very deep gym which would expose our weak arms. This would be exasperated by the fact that My Pet Monster, our strongest arm, is in Australia.

To get over these obstacles, I made a few decisions. First of all, I underscored the importance of catching by making the Reg Dunlop Award be all about who can get the most catches while getting caught out the fewest times. I also emphasized these two important offensive strategies:

"1) Throwing as close to the centre line legitly makes a big difference. It literally subtracts metres from the distance you have to throw.

2) Throwing in tandem with at least one person in a barrage will protect both of you from being caught out, and greatly increases the chances of getting the target out."

I mentioned these points in a pre-game email, and then again in a team huddle at the start of the game. Smirnoff had played the Hellspawns in a tournament and underlined the fact that they were good catchers, so making sharp decisions while throwing was important. Before the game, 8Mile had overheard the Hellspawns talking in the change room about how the key to beating us was to get us worked up and upset and the train would come off the tracks.

So we had it all worked out for us. We would throw together, from the centre line, and then look for catches. All while being sedate.

Sedate was the operative word.

We came out with a total lack of hustle. Although we looked for catches, we did not throw from the centre line, and too often we did not throw together. We were listless. In a gigantic gym like the ones at Havergal, sweeping should be easy. However, we were so slow to act that the Hellspawns were committing to full four-ball barrages against us and still getting back most of the balls.

At one point we were losing 8-1.

Only a mid-game speech by Smirnoff turned anything around. He got people moving and we started throwing barrages. After the speech we won four rounds compared to their two, and made the game a slightly more respectable 10-5, but it was still a loss.

Sometimes you have to be lucky to be good.

Last night was the last regular season game of the Moth Balls, and we were struggling against the Ball Maulers, a team sponsored by the travel agency the Flight Centre. In one of the late rounds we'd whittled down the Ball Maulers to just two players, but I was the only person left on the Moth Balls side of the court.

There was a ball on my side of the court, and a ball in my hands, while both of my opponents had balls in hand and were at the centre line. I opted for a rushing dodge. For the uninitiated, a rush dodge is perfect for a two-on-one situation where all the players have ball in hand. The single player waits for their opponents to wind-up their throws, and then rushes at their opponents. The key is that they don't rush directly at the opponents, but run in a large curve, getting out of the way of the incoming throws, but ending up right beside one of the throwers. It's advantageous because it usually gets out one of your opponents, and you can usually recover one of the thrown balls.

Unfortunately for me, only one of my opponents threw the ball. Even worse, the guy I was charging had held on to his sphere.

I then made a stupid decision: I decided to throw my ball at him, even though I wasn't yet at the centre line. His teammate, still at the centre line was gawking and definitely a better target for my early throw, but I foolishly opted to throw at the guy with the ball. This was the first poor idea in a series of bad ideas.

I also made the mystifying decision of sliding on the ground to avoid his throw. Of course, he still hadn't thrown his ball. Also, the floor at the gym was very slippery, so I slid all the way up to the centre line. I had also missed my target completely, and put it in to the crowd behind him.

To review: I had chosen a solid plan, but launched it too early. I then abandoned my plan midway. I chose to throw at the wrong person and far too early. I missed that throw and put it in a position where it would never roll or bounce back to my side of the court. I had also slid, on my side, directly beneath my opponent, who still had his ball. Disastrous.

Fortunately, he made a mistake of his own. He still held on to the ball. Although it was just for a second, he waited long enough for me to get to my knees. Or, as fans of the Astonishing Dodgeblog call it, Dodging Position #2. He wound up and threw at me, aiming very high on my chest.

And I caught the ball.

That's right, I caught a ball point-blank, high on my chest. A miracle, since I suck at catching. I then leaped to my feet, and turned to the guy's stunned teammate who was still standing at the centre line. He turned and started to run parallel along the centre line. I gave chase and as he looked over his shoulder, I threw a fake at him. He jumped, and then I blasted him with the ball square in the back.

Both teams exploded in applause and the Moth Balls came out on to the court to give me high fives and congratulate me on my play. The guy whose ball I caught was very gracious and came over to our side of the court to shake my hand. It was definitely the best catch I've ever made.

We lost to the Ball Maulers 19-4, but I will always remember that circus catch.

Dodge 101: Stance

I have been remiss in my duties as a dodgeball savant. I haven't posted nearly enough on the tactics or strategies of the sport of kings: dodgeball.

Let's start with the basics.

Stance:
It's a scientific fact that the slower you move, or the more still you stay, the better your eyesight is. Therefore, you want to stay as still as possible when you think the ball is going to be thrown at you. The more "settled" your eyes get, the better you'll be able to see and react.

It also means you don't want to be spinning or moving around a lot, since it will make your vision, and therefore you reaction time, worse.

So there are two basic stances you want to maintain.

Your first dodging position is an obvious one: standing up, with your feet about shoulder width apart.

I also think it's best to have you knees slightly bent so that it'll be easier to get moving. Of course, I also tower between 6'3 and 6'4, so bending my knees makes me a slightly smaller target. You'll also want your arms to your sides, and ready to move as necessary. Basically, you'll want to look like the picture of me on the left.

From the standing position, you can do just about anything. You'll be able to jump, run, roll, duck and even drop to your knees, which sets up your next position.

Your other dodging stance should be from your knees. Again, you'll want your base to be about shoulder width apart. Obviously, you'll want your knees bent, and I recommend having your weight back on your body, over your ankles. This will make it easier to rock back on to your feet and quickly stand up. Again, your hands should be bent at the elbows, and ready to move for a catch. From your kneeling position you can make catches, duck under throws, block balls and should also be able to make a quick, short range throw.

Both of these stances should be your resting positions, with your kneeling stance as a fall back from your standing position. The goal of both is to give you a solid base with lots of options for quick movements.

Although both can be used anywhere on the court, the ideal spot for both is from what we call in the competitive leagues, the back line. The back line being about one pace in front of the wall at the back of your court. I'm sure you'll find that as soon as a round begins most experienced players will take a step, maybe two forward from the wall, and then settle into one of these positions.

There are also a few no-nos that all good dodgers know to avoid:

1) Never, ever, dodge in front of a teammate. Although you might get around the ball, the person behind you stands no chance, whatsoever.

2) Never turn your back on the other team. It's much better to back up slowly and keep your eye on the ball then it is to sprint with your back to the other team.

3) Variety is the spice of life. If you dodge to your right every time, I'm going to start throwing to your right every time.

4) Make your dodges explosive. Many times I've seen people make the right decision on a dodge - - their timing was right, the direction they chose was right - - but they didn't make it explosive, so they didn't get out of the way quickly enough. Make sure that when you dodge, it's a dodge big enough to get you out of the way of the ball.

There's a lot more to dodging, but this is certainly a good foundation to work from.

A rose by any other name...

An integral part of any dodgeball team's strategy is the use and application of a nickname. Obviously, I refer to just about all my teammates by a nickname of some sort. Although I don't always call my friends by these nicknames in real life, it does serve to protect their future political careers.

However, in games, there is are several uses for nicknames, specifically to target opponents and, more importantly, chirping.

Yes, there is nothing like an apt nickname to get under the skin of an opponent and distract them from their dodging.

To help the novice dodgeballer, I thought I'd compile some sample invectives, and then how to use them for maximum efficiency. Just print off this easy to use guide, and get down to business.

Guide to Nicknames
1) The first and most important rule for a solid nickname carve is don't make it too personal. You want to stick to subject matter that your target has control over. In other words, no ethnic slurs, insults based on sexual preference or anything like that. Stick to things that they did to themselves like facial hair or their clothes.

2) Use a caricaturists' eye when creating the chirp. Make broad assumptions about the person's character and moral fibre based solely off of their appearance. Remember, the nickname is not just for your benefit, but for your entire team. Your friends should be able to glance at the other team and know exactly who you mean.

3) Do not use simile, but rely upon metaphor. Don't announce "Hey, that guy looks like Tom Selleck". Simply make calls like "Tom Selleck has the ball!"

4) The funnier, the better. If you can get the other team laughing at their own players, you've achieved your goal. It's tough to dodge while laughing, and it'll be hard for them to get mad at you if you're making them smile.

5) A good start is to look at how they're dressed. Although it's not a put-down, "blue shorts" is pretty effective when trying to target someone.

Here are some ideas for chirps:

For the hairy male player:
- Tom Selleck
- Alex Trebek
- Chewbacca (Chewy for short)
- Wookie
- Ewok
- Bear-rug
- Weave
- Robin Williams
- Austin Powers
- Thatched Roof

For the short player:
- Oompa-Loompa
- Ewok
- Leprechaun
- Short-round
- Pint-size
- Hobbit
- Frodo
- Bilbo
- Baggins
- Wee Willy
- Rudy
- Tom Cruise

For the overweight:
- Lunchbox
- Bakesale
- Snack-shack
- Poundcakes
- Tons of Fun
- Chunk
- Buffet
- Mama Cass
- Carnie Wilson
- Dom Deluise (It's definitely worth clicking on this link)

For anyone who plays with a swagger or cockiness
- Han Solo (Han for short)
- Maverick
- Iceman
- ARod
- Hot Shot
- Hal Jordan

Anyone who talks too much
- Chatty Kathy (best used against a guy)
- Talkbox
- Master Blaster
- Mouthpiece
- Mouth of the South
- Flavour Flav
- Hype Man
- Chudley


Really, there is no limit to the possibilities. If you've got any suggestions yourself, please post them in the comments section, I'd love to read them.