"Careful... he's really good at catching!"

When it comes to dodgeball, I would list my strengths in this order: dodging, then strategy and tactics, then throwing, then showing up, eating wings, tying my own shoes, finding the gym, and just about everything else involved in the process of playing in a game of dodgeball before catching.

Dodging? I have often arrogantly proclaimed myself the best dodger in all of Toronto.

Strategy and tactics? I'm often tempted to bring a wipe board to games to draw Xs and Os for my teammates.

Throwing? I'm like a young Tom Glavine out there on the court. Relying on off-speed pitches and locations to snipe my opponents.

My ability to show up? Jimmers is blown away by it.

However, I am epicly bad at catching.

There have been entire seasons where I have not gotten a catch. Other seasons, my catches have come by accident, like the time I caught a ball in my armpit with the follow through from my arm. Basically, for me to catch a ball, my opponent has to stroll up and hand me the ball.

I suck at catching.

However, playing in the rec leagues has really improved my catching. So much so that in last night's 10-7 loss to Dodge This, the other team was avoiding throwing at me and saying things like "It's too late now, he's setup." "Don't throw at that guy, he's a catcher!"

Playing with the Moth Balls in the rec league has done a great job of preparing me for my intermediate/competitive games with the Evil Empire. I don't catch as much when I'm wearing the Empire's black and white, but I make much better decisions with my catches, and can now be relied upon to get one or two per game.

This is definitely a recent development in my game, and something I need to keep working on. Watch this space and I'll start posting tips as I figure this whole thing out. Until then, it's kind of a mystery to me!

The difference between you and us? We make this look good...

Thursday night's Evil Empire game was bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. We were playing the Shweaty Balls, a fairly experienced rec team that features a few players from the very first dodgeball season. With practice, they'll be one of the stronger teams in the league, they just have to work on ball control and working in sync with each other.

Unfortunately for them, they're not there yet.

Our first game we beat them 15-10, and this game would be even more lopsided with us winning 20-9. Obviously, playing 29 games (really, 30 games if you include the all-in round at the end of the game) in just 55 minutes shows how fast the pace of the game was. The rounds were, on average less then two minutes long. That's twice as fast as our last match-up.

The high-velocity game, coupled with the very small gym at Blessed John school made for a very exciting game that had some ridiculous plays. One shot went off Tool Time, but before the ball was able to hit the ground, 8Mile got a hand on it, and had the ball roll down his arm, along his shoulders and back before he was able to get his other hand on it for the catch.

I was able to catch a throw from their strongest player by jabbing my elbow into the ball as it hit my side. I managed to pin it long enough to grab it with my other hand.

However, the play of the night goes to My Pet Monster who made the sneakiest carny move I've ever seen. With the Shweaty Balls down to just two players, My Pet Monster wound up and threw a slow, arching lob at one of them. Every member of the Empire audibly gasped. The other player read the ball perfectly, dropped the ball he was holding, and caught MPM's toss. The Shweaty Balls bench exploded and a player ran on to the court.

But MPM pointed at the other player and said "YOU'RE OUT! YOU DROPPED THE BALL!"

You see, TCSSC recently changed their rules so that they clearly state:

4. iv. Once in possession of a ball, a player cannot under any circumstances place a ball back down on their own side of the court. By doing so, that player is out. This includes putting a ball down in an attempt to catch on a second incoming ball. If you drop the original ball (by accident or on purpose), you are out.

What a wily veteran play. MPM knew that this guy had played before and that in an intense, high-speed game would rely upon his instincts. Unfortunately for our opponent, his instincts were wrong. What a play.

It was a wild game with lots of crazy plays, weird bounces and circus catches and a hell of a lot of fun to play. I am concerned though. I don't want a wild and fun game like that to reinforce any bad, lazy habits on the court. In a lot of ways, our loss to Shouldice the previous week was a better game with sounder fundamentals and stronger tactical play. However, the league has announced that this week's game is going to be postponed, so we have a week off. Hopefully, that'll let us clear our heads and focus on the kind of play that makes us such a dominant team.

In any event, it was a crazy fun and exciting game. Observe the orgy that ensued:


That's a lot of dude-on-dude action.

Because Blessed John is such a small gym, the Reg Dunlop Memorial Award was geared toward ball control, a facet of the game that is always an issue in the smaller dodgeball venues. The format was simple: Every time you swept a ball, you'd get a point. Whoever had the most points would win. It was all about the ladies, as Kannah beat out Pocahontas by a single sweep to win the lovely CIBC coffee mug. Congratulations Kannah Hoh, who can now drink a cup of joe.

Thanks, I'll be here all week. Tip your waitress.

Getting a little more serious now...

This may not have come across in my previous Moth Ball posts, but our team had not won many games. In fact, we had only won one game, putting us in a tie for last place with a one and three record. Granted, our three losses had been close affairs, but a loss is a loss. Fortunately, we had also only lost one spirit point, so we were still in striking disctance of the top four teams, and therefore, a spot in the playoffs.

This week we played Not In The Face!!!!, co-holders of the cellar keys with us. Before the game, Lefty, Jellybean and I took the subway out together, and the girls and I decided that we were tired of losing, and were determined to win. Lefty went so far as to challenge me to try and get all six outs to win a round by myself. The challenge is, I'm trying very hard to hold back in the rec leagues, but I promised that I would see what I could do.

Our opponents were very late, and so I had a lot of time to properly get warmed up and stretched out which helped with my arm. My arm, particularly my shoulder, was feeling nice and loose. But I decided to throw all sidearm anyway, because Havergal is one of the deeper gyms I've had to play in, and I'm always concerned about throwing my arm out. I don't mind going overboard for a competitive league championship, but for a rec game cellar-dwellers derby? No thanks. Besides, I didn't want to lose us spirit points.

Turns out my sidearm was more then enough. I was only caught out once, and my throws were low and surprisingly hard. I was scattering their players left and right and even had a few rounds where I got lucky and took out two players with one bounce. I made a point of hanging back every round, and waiting for the flow of the game to get going, and then I'd grab a loose ball and start with a strong strike on one of their players. Generally, I was able to get in close and get in an emphatic hit on one of their more aggressive players. After making a statement like that, our opponents started to play on their heels and I was able to assert myself at the line and start picking them off. It didn't work every round, but it was pretty effective.

It got to the point where the other team couldn't keep their eyes off of me, even when I was without a ball. This opened them up to lots of snipes by my teammates on the Moth Balls.

And, really, that's the important thing. As much as my ego wants to take all the credit, there were some rounds I played in where we lost. There were some rounds that we won that I wasn't even playing. The Moth Balls really are learning to play, either from my example or figuring things out on their own. Their arms are getting more accurate and stronger, and they're seeing the play unfold.

As expected, playing on a rec team that's largely women is a complete change of pace from playing on the hyper-competitive Evil Empire which is largely men. Both teams are a lot of fun, albeit in very different ways. I'm glad to see the Moth Balls coming together, learning the Sport of Kings, and having fun. It's gratifying to see and be a part of.

Now, if I can only play like that every week...

The return of Bizarro Evil Empire

Good-bye?

Chud am #1. Chud am captain of Evil Empire, the good guys of dodgeball. Last game, Empire play Shouldice, the bad Evil Empire. Shouldice are Bizarro Evil Empire.

Shouldice am last ever team Evil Empire played five years from now. Evil Empire loved Shouldice so much. Empire beat Shouldice 14-1 in first game. For years, Evil Empire better then Shouldice.

Evil Empire had Shouldice wrapped around finger so much, Empire tied them on purpose to set-up ideal playoffs.

A few years from now, Empire took a season off, while Shouldice kept playing. Shouldice practiced on own time. Shouldice learned to play better.

Empire developed complex about Shouldice. Shouldice win Canadian Beach Dodgeball Championships repeatedly. Shouldice become Empire's greatest rival. Baldy am captain of Shouldice. Baldy am best dodgeball player in Toronto.

Empire and Shouldice am same, but different.

Empire wear black. Shouldice white.

Shouldice disciplined, Empire emotional.

Shouldice captain bald, Empire's captain have hair everywhere.

Empire creative and create new plays. Shouldice stick to fundamentals.

Evil Empire hate new TCSSC rules, Shouldice love new TCSSC rules.

Empire lose to Shouldice 17-13. Empire am happy though. Empire discover new chink in Shouldice's armour. Shouldice am false sense of confidence. Empire going to see Shouldice again in playoffs.

Shouldice in for unpleasant surprise.

Hello!

A rose by any other name...

An integral part of any dodgeball team's strategy is the use and application of a nickname. Obviously, I refer to just about all my teammates by a nickname of some sort. Although I don't always call my friends by these nicknames in real life, it does serve to protect their future political careers.

However, in games, there is are several uses for nicknames, specifically to target opponents and, more importantly, chirping.

Yes, there is nothing like an apt nickname to get under the skin of an opponent and distract them from their dodging.

To help the novice dodgeballer, I thought I'd compile some sample invectives, and then how to use them for maximum efficiency. Just print off this easy to use guide, and get down to business.

Guide to Nicknames
1) The first and most important rule for a solid nickname carve is don't make it too personal. You want to stick to subject matter that your target has control over. In other words, no ethnic slurs, insults based on sexual preference or anything like that. Stick to things that they did to themselves like facial hair or their clothes.

2) Use a caricaturists' eye when creating the chirp. Make broad assumptions about the person's character and moral fibre based solely off of their appearance. Remember, the nickname is not just for your benefit, but for your entire team. Your friends should be able to glance at the other team and know exactly who you mean.

3) Do not use simile, but rely upon metaphor. Don't announce "Hey, that guy looks like Tom Selleck". Simply make calls like "Tom Selleck has the ball!"

4) The funnier, the better. If you can get the other team laughing at their own players, you've achieved your goal. It's tough to dodge while laughing, and it'll be hard for them to get mad at you if you're making them smile.

5) A good start is to look at how they're dressed. Although it's not a put-down, "blue shorts" is pretty effective when trying to target someone.

Here are some ideas for chirps:

For the hairy male player:
- Tom Selleck
- Alex Trebek
- Chewbacca (Chewy for short)
- Wookie
- Ewok
- Bear-rug
- Weave
- Robin Williams
- Austin Powers
- Thatched Roof

For the short player:
- Oompa-Loompa
- Ewok
- Leprechaun
- Short-round
- Pint-size
- Hobbit
- Frodo
- Bilbo
- Baggins
- Wee Willy
- Rudy
- Tom Cruise

For the overweight:
- Lunchbox
- Bakesale
- Snack-shack
- Poundcakes
- Tons of Fun
- Chunk
- Buffet
- Mama Cass
- Carnie Wilson
- Dom Deluise (It's definitely worth clicking on this link)

For anyone who plays with a swagger or cockiness
- Han Solo (Han for short)
- Maverick
- Iceman
- ARod
- Hot Shot
- Hal Jordan

Anyone who talks too much
- Chatty Kathy (best used against a guy)
- Talkbox
- Master Blaster
- Mouthpiece
- Mouth of the South
- Flavour Flav
- Hype Man
- Chudley


Really, there is no limit to the possibilities. If you've got any suggestions yourself, please post them in the comments section, I'd love to read them.

Just something to ruminate on...

I'm behind on posts, so I'm working my way through some content while listening to the Chargers losing to the Bills.

However, I don't want to deprive you of any dodgeball news, tips or information. So here is the one, and only photo, I took on Thursday night against Shouldice.

Evil Empire: We're bringing sexy back.

Frenemies

So I saw Smirnoff the other day and he goes "I got caught up on your dodgeball blog the other day and saw that you haven't made any mention of the best game I've ever had in my long and storied dodgeball career!"

Well Smirnoff, here it is.

My Thursday night game was at Huron Street Public School, near Spadina and Bloor. More importantly, it is just one block east, and one block north, of the Madison Avenue Pub. We'd never played there before, but I knew it was a small gym because it had been my local polling station for two years.

Our opponents, Dodgebull2, were also familiar, since they're led by former Evil Empire member Helen. That's right Helen, you don't get a clever nickname. Dodgebull also has a few other players we've been on tournament teams with. They know us and our style well, and we know how they roll pretty well too.

This season, TCSSC has introduced new rules that many of the teams, including the Evil Empire, have not been impressed with. However, one team Shouldice, has been insistent on playing by the new rules. Helen's team had played Shouldice the week before and had really struggled with playing under these rules. Since we are playing Shouldice next week, and Helen wanted her team to get more accustomed to the rules, she and I agreed that we'd abide by the new rules.

I had hoped that we'd be able to keep it light and friendly by issuing warnings to the each other if we broke these new by-laws.

No such luck.

Almost right off the bat we were getting into some heated exchanges over line disputes, ball control, and head shots. It's shitty to see two friendly teams get into chirp-fests over what amounts to very little. We used to have a phrase on earlier versions of the Empire... "If you can hit them once, you can hit them twice." I think we're going to have to get back to that philosophy.

We did try to keep it light on our bench with the Reg Dunlop Award. This week, it was all about who could stay in rounds the longest. If you survived a round, you got a point. If you were our last player on the court in a losing effort, you got a point. While I got one measly point, largely because my teammates refused to dive in front of balls thrown at me, Smirnoff was dominate. If memory serves, he got eight points. If I may say, his performance was sublime, all while looking good in his stylish new glasses. But Smirnoff wasn't just styling and profiling, the glasses apparently really helped his vision. He made great catches, swept the ball, and was throwing a sweet curve.

As you can tell from the photo, Smirnoff was nothing short of ecstatic to get the prize, which was a backpack including a Tide stain stick and golf ball shaped breath mints all provided, as always, by Mr. Jimmers. We be ballin', yo.

Also, not to rub it in our peers' faces, but we did win the game, quite handedly, 12-6.

The night the line was crossed...

I'm not sure if it's apparent in these posts, but I'm finding the rec level of dodgeball pretty challenging. Not because the level of play is too difficult, but because I want to hold back.

I need to hold back.

I'm sure my opponents will be able to handle my throws and tactics and the like, but I don't know that they can handle my level of competitiveness. I know that most, if not all, of the teams at the rec level are just playing for fun, so I don't want to be the ultra-competitive asshole who spoils everyone's fun.

Unfortunately, in my last game with the Moth Balls, I got a bit out of hand.

There was a guy on the other team (The Average Nunos) who was a bit douchey. He'd yell and scream to distract our players when they ran for the balls at the start of the round, and yell at us for holding the balls too long. One time, while he was already holding a ball, I picked up a ball and after about seven seconds he started yelling at me that I'd held my ball for too long. Obviously, if I'd held my ball too long, he'd definitely held his too long. When he threw his ball, he stepped way across the line. Later that same round, he bitched out one of our players for going to close to the line.

So, between rounds, I went over and spoke to the guy. "Hey, when you called me on having the ball for ten seconds, you'd had your ball a lot longer, and then you stepped waaay across the line. I don't mind you calling these things, but call it even." The guy looked at me like I was a lunatic.

Perhaps I am.

Later, I ran in on a strike on that same guy. He blocked my throw, but the deflection hit him squarely in the leg. He then went in to a wind-up and threw his ball at me. That's when I snapped.

"Oh, like that ball didn't hit you!"

"It hit my ball first."

"That doesn't matter, it's still live."

In my re-telling here, I may be playing down how strong and angry I was. In fact, if there was a font for Rage Black Out, I'd be using it. The guy did get off the court, but he was not pleased. Nor should he be, I was getting too wound up.

At the same time, he was using the rules as a sword, not a shield, and not at all playing fairly. But this is exactly the kind of challenge I was talking about... getting too wound up in the rec leagues leads to disputes much faster then they would in the competitive leagues. It's a combination, I think of unfamiliarity with the rules, as well as different levels of competitiveness. Even if that guy on the other team was more familiar with the rules, or didn't apply a double-standard, we'd still have issues with my level of intensity being way higher then his.

Like I said, holding back is the hardest part of playing rec, and it is something I need to work on.

No love for the Asian sensation

The differences between my two dodgeball teams and leagues are myriad. Although the recreational league on Tuesday nights is full of confusion and chaos with people being ignorant of the rules, my rec team, the Moth Balls, are quite tranquil in their approach to the game. Our last game, for example, was really laid back on the bench, even though the other team were jerks and had no idea what the rules were. On the other hand, in the competitive/intermediate league everyone is much more experienced and knows the rules. Any unfamiliarity with the rules comes from the captains not properly communicating any changes that might have been made at the last minute to the rules. That said, the teams are vicious and will have a nasty disposition towards each other most of the time.

Last night's game is a perfect example of this: we were playing a team called SLAUGHTERHOUSE, who we've played at least once before. I am also pretty sure that they've played in previous seasons on other nights or divisions. They were very familiar with the old rules as well as the new rules. However, how they decided to apply them was sketchy. The new rules state that anyone hit in the head is safe, but the person who threw the ball is out. One of their players therefore made a point of getting on his hands and knees and tried to get hit squarely in the back of the head every time we had the ball.

He knew the rule, but he chose to use it as a sword instead of a shield.

They also engaged in something I like to call "Wishing someone off the court". Tool Time blocked a ball, and The Deal was able to slide under and catch his ball. However, they insisted that Tool Time had been hit by a second ball. Really, any ball that came near Tool Time they'd call him out, whether it hit him or not.

In particular, they had one player, who we took to calling Asian Sensation, who was a pain in the ass. He'd call "Ready Set Dodgeball" before we had most of our players on the court. He'd then call it again, but this time while he was three or four steps away from the wall. He'd get hit and not leave the floor and he was one of the main perpetrators of wishing off the court. He was generally just a pain. The worst part? He wasn't even that good a player!

Fortunately, we easily beat them 16-13. More importantly, we played a much more relaxed game then the previous week where we got completely out of hand. That is now my going concern - - making sure that we as a team, as a group of friends, can improve our sportsmanship and stay loose for each and every game. It is definitely our biggest weakness as a team, and is more often then not our Achilles Heel.

Close, but no cigar

This was the Moth Balls third week, and we have now, clearly, settled down. We're not longer overwhelmed by the speed of the game, and our players have a very definite understanding of the speed and pace of the game and what should be expected during a match.

One thing our team has really improved on is catching. The first week catches were almost accidental. The ball would just kind of find its way into our hands. But as you can see in the photo of Lefty to the... left... we're able to make more clutch catches at key times.

Unfortunately, we're also getting caught out a lot more. I for one was caught out an embarrassingly high amount. At least three times. I think this comes with increased accuracy, but accuracy that is coming at the sacrifice of power. I know that my arm, and some of my teammates' arms are starting to get real joint pain.

Although we're playing much better, and are really getting a grasp of teamwork, we lost to Can't Touch Disk 10-9 at Eastern Commerce. I wholly expect that the next time we play them we'll play much better and get the win.