A rose by any other name...

An integral part of any dodgeball team's strategy is the use and application of a nickname. Obviously, I refer to just about all my teammates by a nickname of some sort. Although I don't always call my friends by these nicknames in real life, it does serve to protect their future political careers.

However, in games, there is are several uses for nicknames, specifically to target opponents and, more importantly, chirping.

Yes, there is nothing like an apt nickname to get under the skin of an opponent and distract them from their dodging.

To help the novice dodgeballer, I thought I'd compile some sample invectives, and then how to use them for maximum efficiency. Just print off this easy to use guide, and get down to business.

Guide to Nicknames
1) The first and most important rule for a solid nickname carve is don't make it too personal. You want to stick to subject matter that your target has control over. In other words, no ethnic slurs, insults based on sexual preference or anything like that. Stick to things that they did to themselves like facial hair or their clothes.

2) Use a caricaturists' eye when creating the chirp. Make broad assumptions about the person's character and moral fibre based solely off of their appearance. Remember, the nickname is not just for your benefit, but for your entire team. Your friends should be able to glance at the other team and know exactly who you mean.

3) Do not use simile, but rely upon metaphor. Don't announce "Hey, that guy looks like Tom Selleck". Simply make calls like "Tom Selleck has the ball!"

4) The funnier, the better. If you can get the other team laughing at their own players, you've achieved your goal. It's tough to dodge while laughing, and it'll be hard for them to get mad at you if you're making them smile.

5) A good start is to look at how they're dressed. Although it's not a put-down, "blue shorts" is pretty effective when trying to target someone.

Here are some ideas for chirps:

For the hairy male player:
- Tom Selleck
- Alex Trebek
- Chewbacca (Chewy for short)
- Wookie
- Ewok
- Bear-rug
- Weave
- Robin Williams
- Austin Powers
- Thatched Roof

For the short player:
- Oompa-Loompa
- Ewok
- Leprechaun
- Short-round
- Pint-size
- Hobbit
- Frodo
- Bilbo
- Baggins
- Wee Willy
- Rudy
- Tom Cruise

For the overweight:
- Lunchbox
- Bakesale
- Snack-shack
- Poundcakes
- Tons of Fun
- Chunk
- Buffet
- Mama Cass
- Carnie Wilson
- Dom Deluise (It's definitely worth clicking on this link)

For anyone who plays with a swagger or cockiness
- Han Solo (Han for short)
- Maverick
- Iceman
- ARod
- Hot Shot
- Hal Jordan

Anyone who talks too much
- Chatty Kathy (best used against a guy)
- Talkbox
- Master Blaster
- Mouthpiece
- Mouth of the South
- Flavour Flav
- Hype Man
- Chudley


Really, there is no limit to the possibilities. If you've got any suggestions yourself, please post them in the comments section, I'd love to read them.