“Injuries put us on our guard” - Latin proverb

(Consider yourself on notice: I am not a medical professional. I am not a doctor, nurse or physiotherapist. Follow my advice at your own risk!)

After nearly three and a half months of playing dodgeball twice a week, I can generally sum up the experience in one word: painful.

As I write this, my right shoulder (my throwing shoulder) is aching in anticipation of tonight's game. My left knee has what's left of a sizable scab, undoubtedly adding to my impressively scarred leg-elbows. My back has more knots in it then a sailor's rope. The tendinitis in my elbow has become so strong that most of the velocity of my throws has been lost. My ankle, long ago diagnosed as having loose ligaments, aches on occasion.Wednesday and Friday mornings often have to start with some whey powder mixed in with my oatmeal. I can feel in my knees when rain and snow storms are entering the Greater Toronto Area.

In short, I am in rough shape.

Granted, I was stupid and played other sports over the course of the season. I subbed in on Lefty's floor hockey team and started playing in a Sunday night soccer league at BMO Field. Although these sports don't use my arm as much, they still worked my back and knees out of joint.

These injuries aren't just limited to me. I know my Evil Empire teammate Pocahontas is having serious shoulder problems. Last week her arm hurt so bad she needed help putting on her jacket after the game. Rob on the Moth Balls has often had arm trouble.

Fortunately, I am merely hurt, not injured. And yes, there is a distinction. An injury is something that requires the attention of a doctor. It usually involves profuse bleeding or something breaking. An example of an injury is described by Neil (better known as My Pet Monster) and I in the Evil Empire Dodge-umentary. Neil had dropped to his knees to dodge a ball, but also ducked his head, splitting his forehead on the gym floor. That is an injury. Being hurt is merely the aches and pains that add up over the course of a season. Bruises, tight muscles. Stuff like that.

So what is a dodgeball player to do?

Well, it's been my experience that these are some good ideas:

- Water, drink lots of it. Before games. During games. After games. The day after games. Almost all muscle pain and stiffness comes down to dehydration or built up lactic acid. Both require the intake of massive amounts of fluid. I remember one tournament I was in that lasted for an entire day and I barely had time to drink any water. I was incredibly sore for days. Eventually, my body flushed out disgusting amounts of lactic acid.

- Warm up properly. I have seen so many teams get on to their court and start to "warm up" by whipping the ball as hard as they can at each other. In my opinion, that is a poor idea because your muscles won't actually be warm and you'll be putting all kinds of stress on them. This is particularly a problem in Canada in the winter time when you will literally be cold. Instead, wear a sweatshirt on to the court while you're warming up and throw the ball slowly and lightly. Focus on the mechanics of your throw. Then lightly stretch. Your arm will thank me.

- Dope up. The advice you've all been waiting for: recreational drug use! If you've got tendinitis in your elbow (tennis elbow) then I would highly recommend taking a single ibuprofen approximately fifteen minutes before a game. It works like this: as tendinitis is an inflammation of the tendon (the rubber band in your elbow) an anti-inflammatory like ibuprofen will pre-emptively shrink your tendon. When your elbow does inflame (and trust me, it will) it will inflame to approximately your normal size. It will still hurt, just not as much.

- Treat yourself to a massage. There are many legal and non-sexual ways to receive a massage. A convenient, though expensive option is to go to the Great American Backrub. There are several locations in Toronto's downtown core, as well as across North America. A less expensive, but slightly less convenient option is to visit a massage therapy school. For a significantly reduced rate, you can be used as a practice run for an aspiring masseuse. In the GTA, I'd recommend the Sutherland-Chan school.

- Use your head. As I have been told many times, it is just dodgeball. But that doesn't mean the strain on your arm is any easier. Don't throw the ball as hard as you can every time. Learn to use a variety of pitches, with off speed stuff. Don't throw directly at a target, but to its sides and hope that they reach out for a grab. Go for high percentage shots. Simply wailing the ball as fast as you can, as hard as you can, is going to hurt.

- Just because the game is over, doesn't mean your work is done. As I said above, make sure you drink lots of water after your game. If you've been sore after games a few weeks running, maybe it's a good idea to turn down the chicken wings and beer after the game, and instead go for grilled chicken on a garden salad washed down with juice. If anyone chirps you, point out that you're giving 110% for the team, unlike their half-assed play.

One excellent resource can be found here, at the WebBall website.

The last and most important piece of advice I have is know your limits. I am a ridiculously competitive person and am very suspicious of doctor's advice. However, even I know that sometimes you have to butch up and walk yourself to a doctor. If an injury nags for days or feels like more then just being sore, stiff, or tender, see a doctor. Preferably one who specializes in sports medicine, but a general practitioner is a good idea too.

The difference between you and us? We make this look good...

Thursday night's Evil Empire game was bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. We were playing the Shweaty Balls, a fairly experienced rec team that features a few players from the very first dodgeball season. With practice, they'll be one of the stronger teams in the league, they just have to work on ball control and working in sync with each other.

Unfortunately for them, they're not there yet.

Our first game we beat them 15-10, and this game would be even more lopsided with us winning 20-9. Obviously, playing 29 games (really, 30 games if you include the all-in round at the end of the game) in just 55 minutes shows how fast the pace of the game was. The rounds were, on average less then two minutes long. That's twice as fast as our last match-up.

The high-velocity game, coupled with the very small gym at Blessed John school made for a very exciting game that had some ridiculous plays. One shot went off Tool Time, but before the ball was able to hit the ground, 8Mile got a hand on it, and had the ball roll down his arm, along his shoulders and back before he was able to get his other hand on it for the catch.

I was able to catch a throw from their strongest player by jabbing my elbow into the ball as it hit my side. I managed to pin it long enough to grab it with my other hand.

However, the play of the night goes to My Pet Monster who made the sneakiest carny move I've ever seen. With the Shweaty Balls down to just two players, My Pet Monster wound up and threw a slow, arching lob at one of them. Every member of the Empire audibly gasped. The other player read the ball perfectly, dropped the ball he was holding, and caught MPM's toss. The Shweaty Balls bench exploded and a player ran on to the court.

But MPM pointed at the other player and said "YOU'RE OUT! YOU DROPPED THE BALL!"

You see, TCSSC recently changed their rules so that they clearly state:

4. iv. Once in possession of a ball, a player cannot under any circumstances place a ball back down on their own side of the court. By doing so, that player is out. This includes putting a ball down in an attempt to catch on a second incoming ball. If you drop the original ball (by accident or on purpose), you are out.

What a wily veteran play. MPM knew that this guy had played before and that in an intense, high-speed game would rely upon his instincts. Unfortunately for our opponent, his instincts were wrong. What a play.

It was a wild game with lots of crazy plays, weird bounces and circus catches and a hell of a lot of fun to play. I am concerned though. I don't want a wild and fun game like that to reinforce any bad, lazy habits on the court. In a lot of ways, our loss to Shouldice the previous week was a better game with sounder fundamentals and stronger tactical play. However, the league has announced that this week's game is going to be postponed, so we have a week off. Hopefully, that'll let us clear our heads and focus on the kind of play that makes us such a dominant team.

In any event, it was a crazy fun and exciting game. Observe the orgy that ensued:


That's a lot of dude-on-dude action.

Because Blessed John is such a small gym, the Reg Dunlop Memorial Award was geared toward ball control, a facet of the game that is always an issue in the smaller dodgeball venues. The format was simple: Every time you swept a ball, you'd get a point. Whoever had the most points would win. It was all about the ladies, as Kannah beat out Pocahontas by a single sweep to win the lovely CIBC coffee mug. Congratulations Kannah Hoh, who can now drink a cup of joe.

Thanks, I'll be here all week. Tip your waitress.