Man Google is fun

So I was just googling the phrase "Toronto Dodgeball" and I came to a video I'd posted nearly two years ago about our semi-finals match-up with our hated rivals the G-String Cowboys. The game ended in a 7-7 draw because the school's janitor wanted to go home and insisted we leave. Because we had the superior regular season record, we ended up advancing to the finals and playing another hated rival - Shouldice. We ended up beating Shouldice by one point in a sudden death overtime match-up.

I made this video to get the Evil Empire pumped up and officially inform them that the Toronto Central Sports and Social Club had ruled in our favour.

Enjoy!



Admittedly, it is not as strong as Evil Empire: A Dodge-umentary, but it's pretty hard to argue against Val Halen's Right Here, Right Now.... even if it is Sammy Hagar doing the vocals.

Well that was fast...

The Thursday night competitive league finished it's regular season last week with the Evil Empire's 19-12 loss to the Hell Spawns. That loss put us at a final record of 5-4-1 and a third place finish.

The one tie was against our friend Helen's team Dodgebull 2. Really, we won that 15-14 game but Dodgebull disputed the score, saying that it was a 14-14 tie. After a long hold out, I relented, since we'd already locked up our third place seeding, and the win or tie was irrelevant.

I know third place isn't great, but it's right where we wanted to be. It guaranteed that we'd make the playoffs, and we'd get to avoid our opposite numbers, the top seeded Shouldice in the first round, as they'd be playing Dodgebull who came in fourth.

However, as covered in my previous Evil Empire post, we really struggled with our psychology against the Hell Spawns. We played anxious and tight and made a lot of basic mistakes and lost 19-12.

Further, we were playing at Havergal Collegiate, a very deep gym which would expose our weak arms. This would be exasperated by the fact that My Pet Monster, our strongest arm, is in Australia.

To get over these obstacles, I made a few decisions. First of all, I underscored the importance of catching by making the Reg Dunlop Award be all about who can get the most catches while getting caught out the fewest times. I also emphasized these two important offensive strategies:

"1) Throwing as close to the centre line legitly makes a big difference. It literally subtracts metres from the distance you have to throw.

2) Throwing in tandem with at least one person in a barrage will protect both of you from being caught out, and greatly increases the chances of getting the target out."

I mentioned these points in a pre-game email, and then again in a team huddle at the start of the game. Smirnoff had played the Hellspawns in a tournament and underlined the fact that they were good catchers, so making sharp decisions while throwing was important. Before the game, 8Mile had overheard the Hellspawns talking in the change room about how the key to beating us was to get us worked up and upset and the train would come off the tracks.

So we had it all worked out for us. We would throw together, from the centre line, and then look for catches. All while being sedate.

Sedate was the operative word.

We came out with a total lack of hustle. Although we looked for catches, we did not throw from the centre line, and too often we did not throw together. We were listless. In a gigantic gym like the ones at Havergal, sweeping should be easy. However, we were so slow to act that the Hellspawns were committing to full four-ball barrages against us and still getting back most of the balls.

At one point we were losing 8-1.

Only a mid-game speech by Smirnoff turned anything around. He got people moving and we started throwing barrages. After the speech we won four rounds compared to their two, and made the game a slightly more respectable 10-5, but it was still a loss.

That's more like it!

Alas, the Moth Balls did not make the championship brackets.

Instead, we are playing in the consolation brackets. Our first round match-up is against a familiar foe: DUCK!.

DUCK! are very similar to the Moth Balls - - both teams put an emphasis on having fun and learning how to play the game, which makes the game more pleasurable for our team. The first time we locked horns with them, we beat them 10-7. The second time, we lost 11-8.

Unfortunately, due to illness, a busted subway system, and a vacation to Mexico, we were very short on players. The first round only had me, Jellybean, Lefty, Mary and Andrew. We played really well, and won the first round.

The subway blockage got cleared up and our teammates began to trickle in, but unfortunately we were never able to get a lead on our opponents. We just traded rounds with them all night. One highlight, or low-light, depending on your viewpoint, was when I smoked one of their girls in the face. It was totally by accident; the ball slipped out of my hand as I wound up for a sidearm throw. She was totally caught by surprise as the ball sailed right in to her face.

Over the course of the season, DUCK! had developed an annoying habit: not going to the bench when hit by a ball. It sounds simple, but it was surprising to see how often they'd get hit squarely by a ball and not react to it. In particular, one of their guys was oblivious to when he was out. It would take three or four direct hits to get him to acknowledge that yes, he was, in fact, out.

I know this sounds like sour grapes, but I swear that if DUCK! had been more honest, we would have tied or even won the game. As it is, we lost 10-7.

You can't always be a well-oiled machine.

As captain of the Evil Empire, my goal is to make us as smooth and professional as possible. We're at the point where everyone on the team has played dozens of games and won championships in several leagues. In fact, with all the tournaments my teammates have played in, I expect that I haven't even won the most trophies with my five championships. Our players have played in countless tournaments and leagues under different sets of rules, with different equipment in different gyms. They've always adapted and succeeded.

We're at the point where stepping on a dodgeball court should be just another day at the office. Sometimes this comes off as cool confidence, other times we come across as arrogant dicks. But we go into most games thinking we should win.

Unfortunately, when we have an off game, it really affects us.

Our confidence becomes surprisingly brittle and our game starts to delcine at a rapid pace. We try to go for the big plays and ignore our fundamentals. We become sticklers over the rules. We sulk and yell and get completely out of hand.

Tension is our enemy.

Unfortunately, last night against the Hell Spawns was a classic example of us getting so wound up we couldn't play. It was odd, considering that we had already been guaranteed a playoff spot, as either the second or third seed. But we played like we were terrified of the loss. A good team will play hard but loose, no matter how much is at stake.

As a result, we got whupped 19-12 by a team that, on paper, is inferior to us. Our reward? We get to play them again next week, this time in the semi-finals. When there is actually something at stake. That gives us seven days to get our heads straight.

Wish us luck.

That has to be some kind of record...

Before last night's game, most of the Evil Empire was waiting to get in to the gym at St. Clare Catholic School when a girl from a team we'd played before recognized Jimmers. She walked up to him and said "You're a douchebag".

Classy.

Sometimes you have to be lucky to be good.

Last night was the last regular season game of the Moth Balls, and we were struggling against the Ball Maulers, a team sponsored by the travel agency the Flight Centre. In one of the late rounds we'd whittled down the Ball Maulers to just two players, but I was the only person left on the Moth Balls side of the court.

There was a ball on my side of the court, and a ball in my hands, while both of my opponents had balls in hand and were at the centre line. I opted for a rushing dodge. For the uninitiated, a rush dodge is perfect for a two-on-one situation where all the players have ball in hand. The single player waits for their opponents to wind-up their throws, and then rushes at their opponents. The key is that they don't rush directly at the opponents, but run in a large curve, getting out of the way of the incoming throws, but ending up right beside one of the throwers. It's advantageous because it usually gets out one of your opponents, and you can usually recover one of the thrown balls.

Unfortunately for me, only one of my opponents threw the ball. Even worse, the guy I was charging had held on to his sphere.

I then made a stupid decision: I decided to throw my ball at him, even though I wasn't yet at the centre line. His teammate, still at the centre line was gawking and definitely a better target for my early throw, but I foolishly opted to throw at the guy with the ball. This was the first poor idea in a series of bad ideas.

I also made the mystifying decision of sliding on the ground to avoid his throw. Of course, he still hadn't thrown his ball. Also, the floor at the gym was very slippery, so I slid all the way up to the centre line. I had also missed my target completely, and put it in to the crowd behind him.

To review: I had chosen a solid plan, but launched it too early. I then abandoned my plan midway. I chose to throw at the wrong person and far too early. I missed that throw and put it in a position where it would never roll or bounce back to my side of the court. I had also slid, on my side, directly beneath my opponent, who still had his ball. Disastrous.

Fortunately, he made a mistake of his own. He still held on to the ball. Although it was just for a second, he waited long enough for me to get to my knees. Or, as fans of the Astonishing Dodgeblog call it, Dodging Position #2. He wound up and threw at me, aiming very high on my chest.

And I caught the ball.

That's right, I caught a ball point-blank, high on my chest. A miracle, since I suck at catching. I then leaped to my feet, and turned to the guy's stunned teammate who was still standing at the centre line. He turned and started to run parallel along the centre line. I gave chase and as he looked over his shoulder, I threw a fake at him. He jumped, and then I blasted him with the ball square in the back.

Both teams exploded in applause and the Moth Balls came out on to the court to give me high fives and congratulate me on my play. The guy whose ball I caught was very gracious and came over to our side of the court to shake my hand. It was definitely the best catch I've ever made.

We lost to the Ball Maulers 19-4, but I will always remember that circus catch.

Evil Empire: A Dodge-umentary

A few seasons ago my friend and film auteur Jared Bryer came to every Evil Empire dodgeball game and put together an impressive documentary. It's taken a while, but he's recently got it up online for all to see.


The Evil Empire: A Dodge-Umentary from Jared Bryer on Vimeo.